I’ve been meaning to discuss in recent journals my thoughts about the dynamics of the group we work in. I think first of all it’s important to highlight that, having had past experience of a group, anything new will automatically be measured against and found different [wanting]. We like what we are accustomed to, and usually learn to like things for what they are.
Equally my assumption is that over time this group will go much as the last did. It’s all too easy looking back to only feel the feelings at the end, since the feelings at the beginning are by their very nature out-dated and less relevant.
How can you remember what it felt like not to know something or someone? I remember a time when I didn’t know my best friend…but I can’t remember how that felt.
Nonetheless, I often find the group dynamic this time quite difficult. In fairness I often have difficulties dealing with people in a personal way, which is why I don’t usually bother, and I recall not always being at peace with members of the group before.
Sigh, I don’t like talking about it. People annoy me and offend me, and I could rant about it indefinitely, but there’s little point to it. I’d rather feel that progress was being made towards forming genuine relationships, but (and I think it’s the size that’s the main issue), there are too many lives and too many threads to hold. It’s very hard work trying to hold the entire weave of the group at once, but to do less would be to gain less from the experience.
L asked us in the beginning if we were ok with the group size, and I’m ok with any size of group, but I certainly understand better now why she raised it.
It’s less personal, and there’s less time and room to develop that “personability”.
This sense of difficulty making genuine connections, and also the slower pace caused by the large number, on top of having to deal with more strangers in what is for me quite a personal space, has made me want to quit. I genuinely thought about it last week (and before). I just felt I wasn’t getting what I wanted out of the course at all.
However then I realised that one of the things that has been making me unhappy in my personal life lately is that I have no digestion time (no “dumping” of anything). Part of the frustration of the group size is the check-in: it always takes ages and I always feel I have more to say.
I analysed this and realised that I feel I have more to say because I’m not saying it elsewhere in my life as I’ve become accustomed (my best friend is now happily in love and thus unavailable when I feel the need to reach out. Efficient offloading requires a friend/confidante. I currently lack anyone to fill that role, so I have to process things through meta-offloading (i.e. talking around it, referring vaguely, doesn’t give the same release; and equally just processing it in my head, which is slower and more draining)).
Having realised that I need a place to offload and connect with myself, I decided to stick it out (also for other reasons like the fact I did it because I wanted the qualification and the experience).
The experience is turning out to be less enjoyable than a similar one, but it still has value and uniqueness, and I will experience it and gain from it whatever I can.
Also I gain a qualification I want, and it gives me some “me” time to think about things I think are important- about happiness, about life, feelings, people and thinking.
The other thing I’m not enjoying is how the tutors are “prodding people.” Challenging people, even in their own best interests, isn’t something I agree with. I suppose I don’t have to agree with everything. Nonetheless I’m writing this because I want you to know it- I think it’s wrong. I don’t care if it’s what they signed up for- putting people into places they aren’t necessarily ready or comfortable going isn’t right by my view of right and wrong.
I’m sure you think it is; indeed it’s only what you warned us. Perhaps I’m being selfish- I have to deal with the aftermath of you throwing people difficult issues to handle after all.
For me, discussing a difficult idea is just as instructive as putting it right in people’s faces, but maybe you disagree. I guess pushing people (even gently) into difficult places forces them to introspect and thus develop, but I think it’s immoral. Is there really so much truth in the idea of making people learn things for themselves? The whole thing just smacks of…cunning to me. Ideas behind closed doors- I think people should be invited to consider concepts that are challenging to them, not thrown in without help, or poked into it. Perhaps to not prod, to not challenge, would not be doing service to people who have paid and sought to learn, but this is life, and this is how I feel about it.
Unpleasantness RE: the boat. How offensive… <- this refers to the above. I suppose I can tell you in case you hadn’t guessed it that I found L’s comments offensive almost beyond compare. I was tempted to walk out and, arrogant as it might sound, she’s a lucky woman I chose not to make a snide comment, however much I might have been called in on it. I’m not even going to bother justifying my actual opinion on it, but perhaps, if you’re keen that we all have an enjoyable experience, then reminding people that being offensive is hardly encouraging participation from e.g. Me.
To tell the truth just thinking about it makes me glare and get angry. I’m sick of trying to participate when I don’t always agree in the first place. I’d like to think that some people would feel that by not participating I deny people the value of my thoughts and feelings- but by being shitty and offensive, not to mention ignorant, I’m only encouraged to wall myself off from people I’m of two minds about interacting with in the first place.
I find people in general to be hard work- they might as well be from another planet. I get tired of being misunderstood by them, so find it easier not to share what I think. From what I’ve understood- me not sharing what I think or feel is not the point and I’ll gain less from the exercise if that’s the route I take. I think therefore that putting a group in a position where I get to choose between being incongruent or having my feelings hurt isn’t very fair.
Perhaps you’d argue that congruence isn’t always important, but I thought you were trying to promote an atmosphere of acceptance and understanding.
That’s enough ranting.
I enjoyed skills- David’s approach to listening is quite different to mine
The trick for me is to just tell myself “I want to understand” like as much as I can. The skills/responses should then fall out as logical progressions of this idea.
If you want to understand- you listen, you ask for clarification, etc.
How does UPR then fit in? Is it you need to understand them so you can offer them your UPR? Or perhaps…the UPR has to be felt by the client…that can only happen if they feel understood, else your “regard” is not for them, as you don’t understand them.
