State of the Mind Address

So just an update on what happened, mostly so I don’t have to explain it to everyone one at a time:

Last night, as I was on my way to the toilet, my housemate’s boyfriend insulted me (he called me a twat) for having my music on too loud (I didn’t think it was on very loud and he hadn’t asked me to turn it down). Since no-one had told me that he was more than a guest (I was told he’d be staying for about a month while they looked for a new place, this was 2-3 months ago), I was not going to put up with that and told him so. We then argued briefly and he threatened me. I told him I wasn’t going to be threatened in my own house. He told me that he would “hurt me” and that I “didn’t want him to come out there.” But I decided that, whether he was going to hit me or not, I was in the right and I wasn’t going to back down. He threatened me again and I made a derogatory comment about how he claimed to be a guy who listens and is rational (this is how he sees himself- his preferred self-image?) and yet he was threatening me. He then came out of the room, rushed at me, pushed me back through my door. I fell across my table and onto the floor where he kicked me. I don’t remember where. I think I saw stars, the memory is very vivid, but kind of streaky. It all happened very fast. I was on the floor near the bookcase and he had one hand around my throat. I think he was shouting stuff at me most of the time but I don’t remember. I remember saying “calm down” to him, but it came out in a bit of a croak. Mel was there by that time trying to calm him down I guess I can’t remember what she said. Then he got up and left. She asked if I was ok to which, as ever, I replied “what do you think?” I remember her telling him “I can’t believe you just did that.”

I sat there for a bit and then called the police. I asked the woman to make sure the people she sent were nice. I vacillated a bit while talking to her because I wasn’t sure if I wanted them to come, but I wanted someone to talk to about what happened and tell me my options. They were really nice, I was very shaken up and they noticed. I couldn’t stop shaking for hours. I couldn’t look them in the eye because I knew I’d lose my composure. I barely kept it as it was.

I realised (not until a bit later mind) that there was no point in “punishing” him. I believe acting wrongly does deserve punishment. But I don’t believe that the law is right. So he goes to court and maybe does community service or gets a fine. Wow. That won’t change what happened, and I don’t think it will change his behaviour. I guess it makes sense to feel that way- I’m not one for the law- I believe in right and wrong, and can only see how the law isn’t that.

Tbh I was very shaken up, and very upset- things haven’t been great anyway and I don’t need shit like this. But it doesn’t change anything, except that I think less of him. That, also, changes nothing. I’m still happy and life is getting better. Just a shit thing really, one more shit thing.

Shell and I talked last night also and, while we’re now broken up, it was really nice and relaxing conversation. I hope she felt the same about it (if it was good for you love, tell me ) So basically I feel fine, but my foot hurts (it’s cut somehow) and my hand (maybe I bashed it?) but I’m just really tired- I didn’t get to sleep for ages.

If anyone’s wondering what I’m going to do- I just don’t have anything to say to him (or mel, his gf) really again. I’ve found lately that either I say what I feel to someone, I say what I want to say, or I don’t have anything to say.

Because of what I believe, if I don’t say what’s on my mind, I’m not being me. “Me” is the guy who speaks his mind. The thoughts I have are *my* thoughts, the words I want to say arise in my mind because of who I am. If I say other words, they’re not my words. So I say nothing. I can choose not to speak, but any word that isn’t the word I want to say, is basically a lie. At least that’s how it feels.

Since I very much doubt that he would sit while I explain just what I think of him (he has apologised, even before the police arrived, but even then he told me “don’t start again” which I think proves he isn’t really sorry), then there’s nothing else to say. If I can’t say what I think, then me the individual is not communicating. If I’m not saying what I want, anything I say is not worth saying since it doesn’t come from the person I am, but more through some attempt to achieve some end. The only end I want to achieve is being me, because that’s where happiness lies. Maybe that explains it? I think that’s a good explanation.

Anyways, so that’s the story. Keep it real people.

xxx