I was so tempted to write this on the night, but procrastination wins out. You know I was reading the Wikipedia article about perfectionism and apparently there is a statistical relationship between the two. And even worse, between that and emotional guardedness! I plan on investigating this relationship in myself. I see my emotional guard as a rational move in my own best interest. I wouldn’t like to think that it’s some sort of off-shoot of perfectionist strivings.
Speaking of emotional guard: my “skills” was listening to Geri (and observation). I was told I did well with her. I felt that I did, but I also felt it was very difficult. I felt very strong sympathy for her problem, since it is one we share. Even to the extent that I showed her my earlier journal where I had said the very same words- I didn’t want her to feel so alone. I realise I could not do this with a regular client, and indeed I attempted to show only empathy and not the sympathy I nonetheless felt.
Her problem was of not trusting people as this means they can hurt you. Of feeling “strange.” Sigh but it resonates in me. Not trusting people. I can’t remember enough of the detail. What sticks with me was that: I wanted to help, I think I did; that I felt sympathy but didn’t show it until afterwards when we dealt with one another as people and maybe friends and that she asked me a question and it put me on the spot. She asked me directly at one point what my opinion was. I didn’t know how to react to this and I was told it showed in my physical reaction. I would appreciate advice about how to handle it- she asked my opinion, I’m not supposed to give it. I can’t entirely remember how I handled it. I remember trying to talk around it without responding directly with my thoughts.
In terms of what we learned, we did the whole thing on prejudice. Even if people were attempting to find words that “were commonly associated” with the labels they chose, the bile and vitriol, really upset me. Especially about paedophiles. It’s times like that that just make me feel…unconfident about humanity’s chances to be happy. That people can have so little acceptance and understanding.
For all the humour, I didn’t really enjoy the work on prejudice. I’ve been thinking and working on prejudice for maybe eight years. I don’t know what to add to that.
Once again I ran into the issue where… like… I don’t want to brag or anything. I don’t want people thinking I’m a know-it-all (that’s not deliberate irony btw, despite the fact it was in the prejudice discussion). Know-it-all isn’t even what I’d call it. I don’t like it when people belittle what I’ve achieved. I don’t mean to imply that my thinking is done, far from it. But certain conclusions have been made. Thus it’s kind of annoying to have to explain to people what I think about UPR and prejudice. People always seem so willing to jump to conclusions and start arguments. I wish they’d just try and understand, be patient and perhaps even go into the discussion with the assumption that maybe my view point was worth hearing and thinking about. I don’t know how guilty I am of the same crime, but that’s not really my point here.
On a related note: I remember when I first read about UPR as a necessary part of being a counsellor, and realised even at that time that I a) already knew it was necessary, albeit not with that name and that b) I already had it. I had got there on my own. I had realised it was necessary, I was already offering it as part of my life, before anyone told me to. Yes it isn’t automatic, but I remember being so proud of myself… I don’t even know if pride’s the right word. Certainly there was pride there but also, the better, more enjoyable feeling was of…success? Success about my choice. Basically I felt as if I’d made the right choice in what I wanted to do- I was following the path I was best made to follow.
You know it’s amusingly irritating that previous thinkers have such a head start on me. A lot of what they wrote about I have subsequently worked out, but I have so far to go to actually like come up with new stuff. I think I have come up with a lot of useful stuff, though once again it might just be my version of something that already exists somewhere, but I need to like, understand it better so I can explain it…without ending up in an argument! Lol.
I still think UPR is really so straight forward. If you remember what I said in one of my other journals about shared humanity? Like we’re all humans and we’re all individuals? UPR is a corollary. If we’re all human like… see I cant even explain why, in my eyes, it therefore follows that you have to accept people. That, on some level, they’re a human being with faults and choices and a past and feelings. And you can think and feel about them in that way, separate from how you feel as an individual. Another part of UPR is recognising the faults in yourself. I see other’s faults and think, “that could be me, I have darkness in me too.” That doesn’t even really explain it.
Right so basically one day I suddenly realised this important thing: you have to forgive yourself for how life has made you. Things have happened in your past that have affected you, become a part of you. Once you become fully aware of your free will, you can measure yourself against your choices from then on. But the past, you have to forgive it. Basically… We can only affect the present and thus the future. The past just has to be dealt with, what good does judging it do? Of recriminating? Instead of hating the part of you that causes pain, realise that it’s not your fault and work on solving the problems it creates. I’m still not explaining it very well
I have to use words like “forgiveness” and “judging.” Really it isn’t right to bring them into this. I don’t like using words with such strong connotations because you end up giving the wrong messages.
Sigh. It’s so difficult because, my reasons for believing in UPR are the ones I came up with. They hinge on the entire conceptual framework I have about life and ethics. To try and explain it independently is a communications nightmare.
Sometimes I really do feel like I’m trying to explain feelings like sunlight on skin or what being “centred” feels like. It’s too visceral.
Louise told me near the end that “sometimes I want to be your counsellor” or something to that effect. I didn’t know how to react to that, but clearly it played on my mind. Michelle suggested that it could stem from something positive like curiosity or a desire for a stronger relationship.
However I must point out that subtle small efforts to that effect on my part seem to be gently rebuffed. Perhaps I should be more forthright. Either way… I’d quite like to know why so please tell me. And if you’re offering there’s a vacancy there I understand
Tags: counselling journal, explanation, irony, Personal, Philosophy, story, theory
